When something bothers me...

I have to let you know.  Thats just how I am.  I don't even look at it as giving the person the "satisifaction of knowing they got to me." I just feel cheated if I dont tell someone how they are making me feel, but once I get it out and let them know whats bothering me, I'm over it.  Doesn't even matter if the person attepts to rectify the situation or leave it broken, its more of a satisfaction to myself knowing that I'm not harboring whatever feelings I have in attempt to "save face", acting was never something I was good at. 

The more that I deal with people, the more I realize what I need out of someone and how important it is to me.  My needs are pretty much obvious needs that I always knew about, but just never realized how much weight they held.  Consideration and appreciation seem pretty obvious, but apparantly (so I'm told) most people lack those qualities, or forget to apply them.  Actually, maybe I need to apply them more as well.  I think I'm generally appreciative and considerate, but sometimes I do slack off.

I've also learned, that nothing about me is casual, I've tried it, and I hate it. Its was actually really fun and exciting but grew old and felt kind of cold and cut/dry.  I appreciate exclusivity so much more now.  I've been in really long term relationships for a good portion of my life, and never devoted my all into them, because I didnt appreciate the...looking for a word...comfort? union? I'm not sure what is the right word is...but I didnt appreciate them.  So with that being said...I'm on the quest for something meaningful and fulfilling, not casual.  Now don't get me wrong, the next guy that I go to on a date with isnt going to get the "hey lets get together" talk, but the next true connection that I feel with someone, I'm definitly going to take seriously and nurture.  I desire that connection and would love for something more to blossom from it then me just "running away" from it like I usually do.

I talked to a really good guy friend of mine today, he said "why must you do thing thats not in your nature and expect natural results?"...he knows I'm way too jealous, possessive, intense, and every thing else for "casual" encounters and pretty much knew it wasn't for me, so he sat back, enjoyed the show, and now is telling me "I told you so!" :) ...I'm rarely wrong, so I guess I can take the L, ONCE in a while Mr. Mentor, Love you. I guess I will take SOME of your advice.

~We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.~

Expectations

A few weeks back I was having a convo with someone and they stated that "It's the womans duty to have her man eat first, she eat second, and clean up after her man when he's done eating..."
I was shocked because I've NEVER heard a guy actually admit to those sort of expectations so out of curiousity I asked around to find out if others had felt this way, just wasnt bold enough to state that they wanted a servant and not a woman.  Alot of guys said it was expected and then a few said it didnt matter.
I used to be guilty of crazy expectations, I figured the more "specific" I was about what I wanted out of a man, the easier it would be to find the perfect guy & ironically I've had men that fulfilled a majority of my silly expectations and I still wasnt happy.
Now as I get older I'm drifting away from "expectations" and more to accepting a person for who they are if they mesh well with me.  When people tell me about expectations/duties they expect it turns me off, the only expectation/duty I should have is to be myself.  This is where people mess up at, if you make me happy, I will do any and everything for you, I'd exceed all expectations you could ever imagine because I'd want you to be happy too not because its my "duty". 
And its funny because usually people with the most expectations, have none for themselves.  Even when I had all these expectations, I didnt even think about what I was bringing to the table, I was just focused on what I wanted.  So the lesson is, if someone makes you happy, work hard to make them happy, and the be happy together.
 Forget about expectations and duties, you're just cheating yourself in the end because you can have soo much more then what your limiting yourself to.

I'm a moth that enjoys your fire...if I'm lucky maybe I'll get touched by your flame.

In a perfect world I would be seen by the one person that I truly loved and invisible to everyone else.  I love attention but only from ONE person. The spotlight was not meant for me, I prefer sitting in a dark corner in my own little world left alone and in peace.  lol I know I seem akward, weird, anti-social, and standoffish but small talk isnt something that I am fond of.
Today someone asked me about this "passion craving" of mine.  A good friend of mine broke it down perfectly "There's a difference between TELLING me something and SHOWING me something".  I need passion because it SHOWS me that you care and how deep your emotions run for me,  I'm addicted to that, show me all day, forget about telling me.  I've had nice laid back types that have told me everything that I would want to hear, but if I don't feel it, it is pointless.  I need to feel everything. You can really tell if I care about you if I am touchy feely with you, if I feel like your passionate, you're definitly getting touched by me because I just love the energy I feel from it.

There are some people in my life that I have known forever, and I cringe at the thought of them touching me and its because they lack that energy, the passion that I need so a touch from them feels cold and lifeless.    I'm a moth to passion's fire and I dont mind it being the death of me.

In other news...this weekend, I learned that you can have a strong connection with someone and just leave it at that.  Chemistry used to be EVERYTHING to me, maybe because I'm such an oddball that nobody really meshed well with me, so the few that did, it was a huge thing.  Now I kind of realize that some connections are just meant to be enjoyed for whatever amount of time fate has alloted you, enjoy it, and then seek out the next connection and perhaps more will come from your next encounter..besides the fact that I will definitly miss that last "connection"...I kind of like learning how to enjoy the moment and take it for what it is, never really had to do it before.

I am still selfish and greedy though, I dont think that will ever change.

Time for bed

I know I'm in loooooooveeee...for the 1st time...

lol That was the first thought I had while holding my son...he's actually the only reason why I believe in God, everything about him is just perfect, science/biology/egg/sperm/etc. I guess they had a part in creating him, but someone that perfect has to have been touched by God. 

Q was concieved on October 14, 2006 on his dad's birthday.  Its crazy because I remember EVERYTHING about that day...after I found out I was pregnant, I made a point to never forget that date and what I did.  He was born June 27, 2007 on my Mom's birthday.  Its crazy to me because for my whole life I had been celebrating Q's birthday even before he was even created.  I remember the day that I found out he was going to be a boy, I remember how easy my pregnancy was, I remember the day that I was admitted into the hospital I took the day off feeling great, I actually spent it with my mom and brother at Charles River, we raced because I'm a competive asshole, and of course Q and me won that race lol even at 9 months pregnant.  lol I had complete control over his birthday, I had been in labor from June 26th and all day June 27th...9:15PM June 27th, I was getting a bit nervous because I wanted my mom to have at least ONE bday gift from me that year...9:45 PM I start feeling ALOT of heat (which is probaly why he's a hot head now)...the nurse checks me, and says "well you can start pushing now, or wait, whatever you want to do"...me being the Control Freak that I am, I wanted a say in his bday and to give my mom a gift, I start pushing...the nurse checks me again and is like woooah I didnt think youd be pushing for this short amount of time, I figured you'd have him early am 6/28...10:05, they say stop pushing and start coughing...I coughed him out at 10:08.
I couldnt wait to get him out of me, lol as I was pushing everyone was like "wooooah he has soo much hair" and after waiting to meet him so long, it felt like an eternity...when we finally met his eyes were wide open and just looked at me like "Damn, you're the lady thats been talking my ears off for these past 9 months?"...no crying...his apgar was 9/10 I think...I remember how HAIRY he was...when I was first born, the dr. told my mother "You gave birth to a warewolf!!!" because I had hair EVERYWHERE except palms and soles...Q was the same way, I had my own mini wareworlf.

I instantly just felt the strongest connection that I've ever felt to ANYONE and it felt...intense...painful...joyful...hmmmm...I guess it felt like fate, to sum it all up.  My heart, my soul, everything, was no longer in me, but in him...scariest thing I've ever experienced.  I think thats why I'm pretty much one and done, I dont think I can love any future kids as much as I love my Q, and that would be unfair. He pretty much has my all.
Its human nature for us to want to survive by any means neccessary, to pretty much put ourselves first...I would die a million and one deaths without a second though for my son...a million and one horrible deaths...thats insanity...but he has that type of hold on me.  I'd do anything for him.  If he were some horrible mass murderer or monster, it wouldnt matter to me, I'd still love him the same and would still have his back.  I'd probaly turn my back on the world and God himself for my son...thats scary to me.

Its so funny because I remember, Q had a very distinct cry that I could easily recognize...you could blindfold me and I could hear 100000 babies cry, and I would automatically know which one was mine.
He's going through his terrible threes, he talks back...whines...drives me nuts...and I still love him the same.

I'm just happy that he's in my life because, even though my love for him is irrational, insane and unexplainable, its still the first and only time I will experience genuine love and I appreciate that more then I appreciate life itself. 

Just randoms about him...he was sleeping on me today and I kinda...sorta...ummm cried.  Someone I know of is currently in the process of losing their young son to cancer.  It breaks my heart even thinking about someone having to go through that. This person has to be one of the strongest people I have ever encountered & as an outsider watching someone go through that, its devastating.  I cant even say how much I admire how strong this father is, all I can say is, I could never be that strong. If I had to bury my son, I'd have to bury myself. When you become a parent, you dont realize all the things that you are signing up for until you encounter them. 

A decent life...

I'm going to make this short and simple.  Recently I got the chance to spend time with my grandmother, alone...so I asked her what advice she would give to me as a 28 year old woman...

A little background info, my grandmother was born in Petersburg VA, was "adopted" (not formally adopted, her mom left her with someone and never looked back), she grew up on a farm with a mom and dad who loved her to death.  Growing up my grandmother was a loner, and even though her parents loved her, she knew that she wasnt really "theirs". 

At 18 she made the decision that she was leaving.  She packed up one suitcase and was out.  Hitch hiked all the way to Boston & made a life for herself here.  I'm not going to go into all of the details of her story but she's had such an interesting and fulfilling life, I can honestly say that I am happy to be connected to her.

ANYWAYS...I always get off subject...the advice she gave me was pretty simple...always have control of yourself and of your life.  Once you lose control, your fate is in the hands of someone else, and who knows what they'll do with that.  If you want to do something, then DO IT...don't wait around for someone else or waiting around for someone else's approval.

Right now, I feel as if I do have control of my life, but not in the way that I want it.  Im at a decent place in life for 28...but....
Nevermind...but I guess the question to myself is, Since when is "decent" enough? actually why am I asking myself questions that I already know the answers to? Decent is not enough, its pretty much settling to be comfortable...
Time to wrap this up...
Night Night

I actually cant wait to share the jewlery I've been working on...its my new hobby, and I'm not good at it, but everything takes practice right? Pictures will be up soon. lol

I'm a Woman and I do what I do

I think alot of people I deal with don't realize how sensitive I am.  I always have this tough exterior but I'm so sensitive on the inside.  It sucks and I hate that about me, I just wish I could be cold hearted like others and not care. 
I've come to the conclusion that people who are cold hearted have experienced years of let downs and disappointments that they have just become immune to everything, the worst is always expected.  At times I admire people like them, because it has to be somewhat of a luxury to go through life without being effected by shit and void of emotion or feelings...whereas I'm living life with deep emotions and burdened with caring for people & their well being.
Maybe I should consider myself lucky that I dont expect the worst out of people and that I do still see good in everyone...but that way of thinking is more of a handicap for me.

One thing about me is I need breaks/time.  If I'm mad at you, really feeling you, you hurt me, you excite me, shit...basically if I am feeling ANY type of extreme emotion and you are the cause of it, I take a break.  During the "break" I become distracted and ground myself back onto a comfortable playing field and then we can continue on.  I need these "breaks" because extreme emotions scare me, I like good feelings of extreme emotions but I know they cant last forever so I dont want them to last at all. 

So earlier, a friend told me something and it stung.  It stung because it was true.  It stung because they read a part of me that was not open to the public.  It stung because it was not their place to even speak of what they spoke of.  I felt extremely hurt & I guess they finally enjoyed seeing a reaction out of me and kept on going with it...I was mad and decided to take a "break" from them. We are just friends, but that break lasted a while.  This person did not apologize once.  I guess he wanted to wait it out and see how long it would take for me to come back around, and eventually I would've but not anytime soon.  He gave in first, but not with an apology, with flowers to my job. Flowers and gifts dont fix anything, they just are an offering of a truce and that is NOT an apology.  Words and understanding mean soo much more to me then lazy ways of trying to "fix" things.  I tell people all the time that I attatch myself to their words and our connection, not what they are able to pick up at the store.
But I suppose in this day and age, everyone is lazy.  If you have money its easier to get a girl some roses or a bracelet to shut her up, rather then to communicate with her and open up with her. 

At this point I'm just bored with everyone and everything, I feel like I've already read all these stories before and I know how all these books are going to end.  There's no suspense, no drama, no climax, no surprises.

I'm a woman and I do what I do & I feel like I've done it enough to know that something has to change.

Sorry this is just random and all over the place, lol its 2:00 am.  Writing is somewhat of a therapy for me, all these thoughts and ideas cloud my mind so I make it rain on here...and I become clearheaded again.

Im too lazy to look up the quote...Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result...forgot who said it...but thats my life right now.

B-U-D-D-Y & other randoms

I've gotten myself into a bit of a situation...you see, I've never had an official fuck buddy...well until recently. It was on my bucket list of things to do before I officially settled down.  Dumb idea, but I guess I wanted to see if I could mentally handle something like that, actually I knew that I couldnt, but at times I'm often battling myself and wanting to proove myself wrong. 

Truth be told I dont even know why situations like that even exist, why would two people just "fuck" and not want to progress into more if the sex is great? Wouldnt you eventually not want to share your "fuck" buddy with others? Wouldnt the sex eventually have to end, I mean you cant be fuck buddies forever...so many questions.

Of course I do my research and ask my close friends (ladies and gents) what exactly it means to be a fuck buddy, like how does that situation work...All gave me the same answer basically you "fuck and leave"....black and white...no grey...extremely clear cut.  Fuck buddies do not argue, talk, do things together, NOTHING but sex. 

Okay cool, I feel like... let me see if I'm capable of handling something like this.  Sometimes I put myself through situations, just to figure myself out and how I react. 

So I figure I'm going to pick someone that I could never be long term with because of course my thinking was "If I can't see myself with the person long term, obviously I'm not going to catch feelings..."  I wanted someone that had discretion and would keep it between the two of us, so that when things were over I could smoothly continue living my life without questions from people.  And of course someone experienced enough to be a great sex partner.  Also in this whole "fuck buddy" experiment that I was doing with myself, I wanted to learn more about sex.  Don't get me wrong, I have an extremely sexual mind, but I've never really had the oppurtunity to really learn about sex, and different techniques so it was my bright idea to learn with someone that I had no ties to. 

Okay, so finally I came across a great candidate.  Perfect actually, fit all the criteria that I had in place.  So we start sleeping together, and everything is really good.  Sex is fantastic & I'm learning things that I had never knew about.  But we're supposed to be JUST having sex right? In between having sex we're exchanging things, late night skype convos, phone convos during the day, cuddled up after sex, I needed a huge favor done that I didnt want to ask anyone else for, he helped me out...a bet that I lost with me having to cook for him in lingerie...me asking him to bring me food & him refusing but offering to take me out...basically all this grey shit that does not fit into the black/white scenario that I had been seeking...and I thought I could handle it, actually I was handling it very well...

But one day I looked up...and I felt weird about the situation and him..."weird" as in before I knew it, I might have caught a few feelings...which according to my research (what my friends have said)...catching feelings is the biggest violation in a fuck buddy situation... you just can't allow your self to do it.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm not in love, or any craziness like that.  I just genuinely like him alot as a person and that combined with us having sex just makes me feel a certain way that I shouldnt be feeling. 
I dont see myself dating him, we're fucking and we're exclusive in that regard, but I'd be pissed if I found out he was dating someone else or taking someone else out.  I was already selfish before but this situation has revealed just how selfish I can be.
So yeah thats my "situation", I have a FB that I don't want to share.  My common sense is telling me that I should leave the situation alone & I have scaled back tremendously from the situation...but I'm hard headed. 

In OTHER news....I did my very very very first youtube natural tutorial, it was actually a good amount of work, but for my first video, I think I did alright and I enjoyed it sooo much.  Can't wait to do my second one.  I'm shy so I have only showed two people that I know irl, and they had nothing but nice things to say...of course they were two guys that know nothing about natural hair though so they were probaly just saying that to be nice.

In OTHER OTHER news, the prev blog where I had something on my mind that I wasnt ready to talk about, it was in regards to my grandmother, I think I'll be ready to talk about it sooner then I thought I would be. I'm just afraid that I'll lose her, and I want...no...I need more time with her.

In OTHER OTHER OTHER news, I'm so lucky, as I type this, my 3 year old bean is laid on my lap snoring, my 4 year old furball is on the other side of me snoring and my 15 year old furball is behind my head snoring.  Sometimes I feel as if God has forgotten about me, in fact at times I'm positive of it...sometimes I feel as if all I do and all that I am going through is in vain, and I ask him for just one sign to let me know that he exists, just one sign...but I suppose the only sign I need is 3 pairs of big old eyes staring back at me with nothing but love.  I dont know, at times I just don't feel like I'm worthy enough to have all that I'm blessed with.  Every morning I look at my son and I just wonder why he's been given to me, honestly, I've done nothing in life to deserve him.

Just random thoughts, and of course I'm rambling again...

The more we are filled with thoughts of lust the less we find true romantic love. -Doug Horton

Soundtrack...I actually hate this damn song but we'll go with it...Buddy- Musiq