A decent life...

I'm going to make this short and simple.  Recently I got the chance to spend time with my grandmother, alone...so I asked her what advice she would give to me as a 28 year old woman...

A little background info, my grandmother was born in Petersburg VA, was "adopted" (not formally adopted, her mom left her with someone and never looked back), she grew up on a farm with a mom and dad who loved her to death.  Growing up my grandmother was a loner, and even though her parents loved her, she knew that she wasnt really "theirs". 

At 18 she made the decision that she was leaving.  She packed up one suitcase and was out.  Hitch hiked all the way to Boston & made a life for herself here.  I'm not going to go into all of the details of her story but she's had such an interesting and fulfilling life, I can honestly say that I am happy to be connected to her.

ANYWAYS...I always get off subject...the advice she gave me was pretty simple...always have control of yourself and of your life.  Once you lose control, your fate is in the hands of someone else, and who knows what they'll do with that.  If you want to do something, then DO IT...don't wait around for someone else or waiting around for someone else's approval.

Right now, I feel as if I do have control of my life, but not in the way that I want it.  Im at a decent place in life for 28...but....
Nevermind...but I guess the question to myself is, Since when is "decent" enough? actually why am I asking myself questions that I already know the answers to? Decent is not enough, its pretty much settling to be comfortable...
Time to wrap this up...
Night Night

I actually cant wait to share the jewlery I've been working on...its my new hobby, and I'm not good at it, but everything takes practice right? Pictures will be up soon. lol

I'm a Woman and I do what I do

I think alot of people I deal with don't realize how sensitive I am.  I always have this tough exterior but I'm so sensitive on the inside.  It sucks and I hate that about me, I just wish I could be cold hearted like others and not care. 
I've come to the conclusion that people who are cold hearted have experienced years of let downs and disappointments that they have just become immune to everything, the worst is always expected.  At times I admire people like them, because it has to be somewhat of a luxury to go through life without being effected by shit and void of emotion or feelings...whereas I'm living life with deep emotions and burdened with caring for people & their well being.
Maybe I should consider myself lucky that I dont expect the worst out of people and that I do still see good in everyone...but that way of thinking is more of a handicap for me.

One thing about me is I need breaks/time.  If I'm mad at you, really feeling you, you hurt me, you excite me, shit...basically if I am feeling ANY type of extreme emotion and you are the cause of it, I take a break.  During the "break" I become distracted and ground myself back onto a comfortable playing field and then we can continue on.  I need these "breaks" because extreme emotions scare me, I like good feelings of extreme emotions but I know they cant last forever so I dont want them to last at all. 

So earlier, a friend told me something and it stung.  It stung because it was true.  It stung because they read a part of me that was not open to the public.  It stung because it was not their place to even speak of what they spoke of.  I felt extremely hurt & I guess they finally enjoyed seeing a reaction out of me and kept on going with it...I was mad and decided to take a "break" from them. We are just friends, but that break lasted a while.  This person did not apologize once.  I guess he wanted to wait it out and see how long it would take for me to come back around, and eventually I would've but not anytime soon.  He gave in first, but not with an apology, with flowers to my job. Flowers and gifts dont fix anything, they just are an offering of a truce and that is NOT an apology.  Words and understanding mean soo much more to me then lazy ways of trying to "fix" things.  I tell people all the time that I attatch myself to their words and our connection, not what they are able to pick up at the store.
But I suppose in this day and age, everyone is lazy.  If you have money its easier to get a girl some roses or a bracelet to shut her up, rather then to communicate with her and open up with her. 

At this point I'm just bored with everyone and everything, I feel like I've already read all these stories before and I know how all these books are going to end.  There's no suspense, no drama, no climax, no surprises.

I'm a woman and I do what I do & I feel like I've done it enough to know that something has to change.

Sorry this is just random and all over the place, lol its 2:00 am.  Writing is somewhat of a therapy for me, all these thoughts and ideas cloud my mind so I make it rain on here...and I become clearheaded again.

Im too lazy to look up the quote...Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result...forgot who said it...but thats my life right now.

B-U-D-D-Y & other randoms

I've gotten myself into a bit of a situation...you see, I've never had an official fuck buddy...well until recently. It was on my bucket list of things to do before I officially settled down.  Dumb idea, but I guess I wanted to see if I could mentally handle something like that, actually I knew that I couldnt, but at times I'm often battling myself and wanting to proove myself wrong. 

Truth be told I dont even know why situations like that even exist, why would two people just "fuck" and not want to progress into more if the sex is great? Wouldnt you eventually not want to share your "fuck" buddy with others? Wouldnt the sex eventually have to end, I mean you cant be fuck buddies forever...so many questions.

Of course I do my research and ask my close friends (ladies and gents) what exactly it means to be a fuck buddy, like how does that situation work...All gave me the same answer basically you "fuck and leave"....black and white...no grey...extremely clear cut.  Fuck buddies do not argue, talk, do things together, NOTHING but sex. 

Okay cool, I feel like... let me see if I'm capable of handling something like this.  Sometimes I put myself through situations, just to figure myself out and how I react. 

So I figure I'm going to pick someone that I could never be long term with because of course my thinking was "If I can't see myself with the person long term, obviously I'm not going to catch feelings..."  I wanted someone that had discretion and would keep it between the two of us, so that when things were over I could smoothly continue living my life without questions from people.  And of course someone experienced enough to be a great sex partner.  Also in this whole "fuck buddy" experiment that I was doing with myself, I wanted to learn more about sex.  Don't get me wrong, I have an extremely sexual mind, but I've never really had the oppurtunity to really learn about sex, and different techniques so it was my bright idea to learn with someone that I had no ties to. 

Okay, so finally I came across a great candidate.  Perfect actually, fit all the criteria that I had in place.  So we start sleeping together, and everything is really good.  Sex is fantastic & I'm learning things that I had never knew about.  But we're supposed to be JUST having sex right? In between having sex we're exchanging things, late night skype convos, phone convos during the day, cuddled up after sex, I needed a huge favor done that I didnt want to ask anyone else for, he helped me out...a bet that I lost with me having to cook for him in lingerie...me asking him to bring me food & him refusing but offering to take me out...basically all this grey shit that does not fit into the black/white scenario that I had been seeking...and I thought I could handle it, actually I was handling it very well...

But one day I looked up...and I felt weird about the situation and him..."weird" as in before I knew it, I might have caught a few feelings...which according to my research (what my friends have said)...catching feelings is the biggest violation in a fuck buddy situation... you just can't allow your self to do it.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm not in love, or any craziness like that.  I just genuinely like him alot as a person and that combined with us having sex just makes me feel a certain way that I shouldnt be feeling. 
I dont see myself dating him, we're fucking and we're exclusive in that regard, but I'd be pissed if I found out he was dating someone else or taking someone else out.  I was already selfish before but this situation has revealed just how selfish I can be.
So yeah thats my "situation", I have a FB that I don't want to share.  My common sense is telling me that I should leave the situation alone & I have scaled back tremendously from the situation...but I'm hard headed. 

In OTHER news....I did my very very very first youtube natural tutorial, it was actually a good amount of work, but for my first video, I think I did alright and I enjoyed it sooo much.  Can't wait to do my second one.  I'm shy so I have only showed two people that I know irl, and they had nothing but nice things to say...of course they were two guys that know nothing about natural hair though so they were probaly just saying that to be nice.

In OTHER OTHER news, the prev blog where I had something on my mind that I wasnt ready to talk about, it was in regards to my grandmother, I think I'll be ready to talk about it sooner then I thought I would be. I'm just afraid that I'll lose her, and I want...no...I need more time with her.

In OTHER OTHER OTHER news, I'm so lucky, as I type this, my 3 year old bean is laid on my lap snoring, my 4 year old furball is on the other side of me snoring and my 15 year old furball is behind my head snoring.  Sometimes I feel as if God has forgotten about me, in fact at times I'm positive of it...sometimes I feel as if all I do and all that I am going through is in vain, and I ask him for just one sign to let me know that he exists, just one sign...but I suppose the only sign I need is 3 pairs of big old eyes staring back at me with nothing but love.  I dont know, at times I just don't feel like I'm worthy enough to have all that I'm blessed with.  Every morning I look at my son and I just wonder why he's been given to me, honestly, I've done nothing in life to deserve him.

Just random thoughts, and of course I'm rambling again...

The more we are filled with thoughts of lust the less we find true romantic love. -Doug Horton

Soundtrack...I actually hate this damn song but we'll go with it...Buddy- Musiq

Control Freak

I had a whole novel typed out but erased it...I'm not ready to reveal whats on my mind . Hopefully one day I will be comfortable in my own skin and in my own mind to discuss this.  Being ashamed or embarassed of your own thoughts is a horrible feeling & at times it feels impossible to overcome. I believe I owe myself an apology...

Courage is simply the willingness to be afraid and act anyway. ~ Dr. Robert Anthony
No song for this one