Different Books, Same Page

I...need...to...be...very...careful...with...my...words...even...when...I'm...mad...

A while back...I met someone, complete opposite of me.  What I liked about him was that he was a real friend, we would just talk and laugh our time away & if I ever needed him for anything he was there and he really didnt have any hidden intentions or want anything from me but convo, for once someone was on the same page as me...that rarely happens. 

The little things that he did spoke volumes about his character.

One day we had a minor disagreement...and I allowed that shit to escalate...the last words out of my mouth to him were "Fuck you, I don't care about you and wouldnt care if I ever saw you again"...at the time that I said it...I meant it...a day later I realized how stupid I was for saying something like that considering that the disagreement was really just a misunderstanding.  I text him...no response.  Called him...no response.  So I figure that he had to have been pissed but knowing him he would eventually come around...a week passes...I call him again, phone off.  So given his "occupation" I get a little scared because it pretty much means that he was either in jail or dead. 
I worry alot about my friends, more then they will ever know.  I called around trying to find him, and no one had any information.  A couple of days I couldnt eat much because I knew he was probaly dead, and all I could think about was how I told him I didnt give a fuck about him....that weighed heavy on my soul for a while. 
After that incident I made a promise to myself that I would always choose my words wisely, words are definitly weapons, and sometimes those weapons wound you rather then your intended target.   I havent lived up to my promise as of yet, but I'm working on it.   Easier said then done, but every day I am trying to mean what I say and express myself in better ways.

The reason why I needed to write this is because...guess who FINALLY reached back out to me? Turns out after our misunderstanding, he left and was  at the wrong place at the wrong time.  He ended up getting robbed, stabbed 2 times in the neck and once in the eye.  The doctors didn't think that he was going to make it...but he did.  In the process of getting robbed, his phone (with my # in it) was taken.  Seeing him near death his mother begged him to move out of state and to get his life together and of course he couldn't say no to that.  So now he's trying to get everything back on track in VA and I'm happy for him. Considering that he graduated from Hampton U. and is extremely intelligent, he was wasting his life away in Boston. 

He didnt have my phone #, but recently found me online and updated me on everything.

I do blame myself  for what happened. If I would've never allowed that situation to escalate we probaly would've been chilling and he wouldnt have been in the wrong place at the wrong time...but I guess everything happens for a reason, because now he is taking steps to make his life better.

Soundtrack- Regrets ~ Jay-Z
"Your words have such power to do good or evil that they must be chosen carefully, wisely, and well." Wayne Dosick

Me....come lay next to me, and allow me to become comfortable...

So...I needed a spot of my own...just to be my uncensored self and express whatever I wanted to with my complete control and freedom.  So I guess thats what this spot is.  The life I live is very simple, yet complex.  Actually it's pretty simple and repetitive in my eyes, but I hear from outsiders that its extremely complicated.  Funny thing about that is that nobody knows ALL about me, I just share certain aspects of myself with certain people, so for people to think I live a complex life is kind of funny because they barely scratch the surface of all that is Me and from the little they do know they already feel its complex.

I'm extremely family orientated...with that comes a great deal of pressure.  Its naturally in me to nurture and I've been taking care of people since I've been 20, so since I've been very young I've always had to be the level headed smart decision maker....its definitly an honor, but at the same time, I need some type of balance to prevent me from going insane.  Well I mean, I am already insane, lol but I'm still functional.  I will save this topic of family for another time.

I also write, alot...my mind is always going, always thinking, I'm always in a constant chess game with myself, thinking of what my next move will be...its pretty stupid and I will tell you why...when you're constantly battling yourself a part of you will always lose.  I feel as if Im contantly pulling myself in different directions (which is completly my fault) and I'm soo scared to choose one direction because I'm unsure of myself at this point in life.   To be honest, I'm more comfortable in limbo then I am with making a concrete decision in terms of my life.  I just feel like as long as I am in limbo, I have plenty of options & I dont have to put any real effort into anything...the moment I make a decision and have to stick to it, its kind of "final", not really final but when I do decide on anything I put so much of myself into it, that turning back would probaly not be an option for me, and I'm scared of that.  This pretty much applies to almost every aspect of my life. 

Yeah...my mind sometimes wanders alot, especially when I am writing...lol but I write poetry.  I rarely let anyone read what I write though, I feel like what I write gives you a deep glimpse into me, and I can't deal with that, its too much for me...and I'm kind of insecure about my writings, since I am being completly honest.

Okay so the main point of this blog is I wanted to discuss being comfortable.  lol I was in the shower, just thinking, and it hit me.  I've been single and dating, it was fun at first, but now that shit bores the hell out of me. I need to be stimulated, have fun and dating is pretty much the same shit.  I did not feel any type of connection with anyone I was dating, it was just something to do, but now I'm bored as hell with that, its winter and cold, so I'd rather be inside than hanging out with some random boring guy....then I thought about my past...I've never been "in" love, I've just allowed myself to get used to people and eventually start loving them as people.  There's something about me that would rather be comfortable with someone instead of being in love with someone...but thasts not what I want.  I would love to open myself up to love but I just dont think I'm capable of it.  lol Do I need therapy for this? Is this normal behavior?

I'm currently trying to rectify the situation but I'm a little lost, do I step out of my comfort zone? But that's another problem, because I feel like I will end up being uncomfortable and thats not what I want either.

I guess at this point I'm rambling to myself, I'm weird, sometimes I just have to get it out there and let it into the universe, see what happens. 

Oh and I'm a quote junkie, so I'll probaly end all of these with a quote
This was directed to a good friend of mine....but it applies to me as well...and I think it would apply to alot of others as well...

Pride makes us artificial and humility makes us real ~ Thomas Merton

Actually I want to add a soundtrack for this post as well....hmmmmm...Im not linking the youtube, lol too lazy
David Ruffin - Statue of a Fool