So...I needed a spot of my own...just to be my uncensored self and express whatever I wanted to with my complete control and freedom. So I guess thats what this spot is. The life I live is very simple, yet complex. Actually it's pretty simple and repetitive in my eyes, but I hear from outsiders that its extremely complicated. Funny thing about that is that nobody knows ALL about me, I just share certain aspects of myself with certain people, so for people to think I live a complex life is kind of funny because they barely scratch the surface of all that is Me and from the little they do know they already feel its complex.
I'm extremely family orientated...with that comes a great deal of pressure. Its naturally in me to nurture and I've been taking care of people since I've been 20, so since I've been very young I've always had to be the level headed smart decision maker....its definitly an honor, but at the same time, I need some type of balance to prevent me from going insane. Well I mean, I am already insane, lol but I'm still functional. I will save this topic of family for another time.
I also write, alot...my mind is always going, always thinking, I'm always in a constant chess game with myself, thinking of what my next move will be...its pretty stupid and I will tell you why...when you're constantly battling yourself a part of you will always lose. I feel as if Im contantly pulling myself in different directions (which is completly my fault) and I'm soo scared to choose one direction because I'm unsure of myself at this point in life. To be honest, I'm more comfortable in limbo then I am with making a concrete decision in terms of my life. I just feel like as long as I am in limbo, I have plenty of options & I dont have to put any real effort into anything...the moment I make a decision and have to stick to it, its kind of "final", not really final but when I do decide on anything I put so much of myself into it, that turning back would probaly not be an option for me, and I'm scared of that. This pretty much applies to almost every aspect of my life.
Yeah...my mind sometimes wanders alot, especially when I am writing...lol but I write poetry. I rarely let anyone read what I write though, I feel like what I write gives you a deep glimpse into me, and I can't deal with that, its too much for me...and I'm kind of insecure about my writings, since I am being completly honest.
Okay so the main point of this blog is I wanted to discuss being comfortable. lol I was in the shower, just thinking, and it hit me. I've been single and dating, it was fun at first, but now that shit bores the hell out of me. I need to be stimulated, have fun and dating is pretty much the same shit. I did not feel any type of connection with anyone I was dating, it was just something to do, but now I'm bored as hell with that, its winter and cold, so I'd rather be inside than hanging out with some random boring guy....then I thought about my past...I've never been "in" love, I've just allowed myself to get used to people and eventually start loving them as people. There's something about me that would rather be comfortable with someone instead of being in love with someone...but thasts not what I want. I would love to open myself up to love but I just dont think I'm capable of it. lol Do I need therapy for this? Is this normal behavior?
I'm currently trying to rectify the situation but I'm a little lost, do I step out of my comfort zone? But that's another problem, because I feel like I will end up being uncomfortable and thats not what I want either.
I guess at this point I'm rambling to myself, I'm weird, sometimes I just have to get it out there and let it into the universe, see what happens.
Oh and I'm a quote junkie, so I'll probaly end all of these with a quote
This was directed to a good friend of mine....but it applies to me as well...and I think it would apply to alot of others as well...
Pride makes us artificial and humility makes us real ~ Thomas Merton
Actually I want to add a soundtrack for this post as well....hmmmmm...Im not linking the youtube, lol too lazy
David Ruffin - Statue of a Fool
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