When something bothers me...

I have to let you know.  Thats just how I am.  I don't even look at it as giving the person the "satisifaction of knowing they got to me." I just feel cheated if I dont tell someone how they are making me feel, but once I get it out and let them know whats bothering me, I'm over it.  Doesn't even matter if the person attepts to rectify the situation or leave it broken, its more of a satisfaction to myself knowing that I'm not harboring whatever feelings I have in attempt to "save face", acting was never something I was good at. 

The more that I deal with people, the more I realize what I need out of someone and how important it is to me.  My needs are pretty much obvious needs that I always knew about, but just never realized how much weight they held.  Consideration and appreciation seem pretty obvious, but apparantly (so I'm told) most people lack those qualities, or forget to apply them.  Actually, maybe I need to apply them more as well.  I think I'm generally appreciative and considerate, but sometimes I do slack off.

I've also learned, that nothing about me is casual, I've tried it, and I hate it. Its was actually really fun and exciting but grew old and felt kind of cold and cut/dry.  I appreciate exclusivity so much more now.  I've been in really long term relationships for a good portion of my life, and never devoted my all into them, because I didnt appreciate the...looking for a word...comfort? union? I'm not sure what is the right word is...but I didnt appreciate them.  So with that being said...I'm on the quest for something meaningful and fulfilling, not casual.  Now don't get me wrong, the next guy that I go to on a date with isnt going to get the "hey lets get together" talk, but the next true connection that I feel with someone, I'm definitly going to take seriously and nurture.  I desire that connection and would love for something more to blossom from it then me just "running away" from it like I usually do.

I talked to a really good guy friend of mine today, he said "why must you do thing thats not in your nature and expect natural results?"...he knows I'm way too jealous, possessive, intense, and every thing else for "casual" encounters and pretty much knew it wasn't for me, so he sat back, enjoyed the show, and now is telling me "I told you so!" :) ...I'm rarely wrong, so I guess I can take the L, ONCE in a while Mr. Mentor, Love you. I guess I will take SOME of your advice.

~We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.~

Expectations

A few weeks back I was having a convo with someone and they stated that "It's the womans duty to have her man eat first, she eat second, and clean up after her man when he's done eating..."
I was shocked because I've NEVER heard a guy actually admit to those sort of expectations so out of curiousity I asked around to find out if others had felt this way, just wasnt bold enough to state that they wanted a servant and not a woman.  Alot of guys said it was expected and then a few said it didnt matter.
I used to be guilty of crazy expectations, I figured the more "specific" I was about what I wanted out of a man, the easier it would be to find the perfect guy & ironically I've had men that fulfilled a majority of my silly expectations and I still wasnt happy.
Now as I get older I'm drifting away from "expectations" and more to accepting a person for who they are if they mesh well with me.  When people tell me about expectations/duties they expect it turns me off, the only expectation/duty I should have is to be myself.  This is where people mess up at, if you make me happy, I will do any and everything for you, I'd exceed all expectations you could ever imagine because I'd want you to be happy too not because its my "duty". 
And its funny because usually people with the most expectations, have none for themselves.  Even when I had all these expectations, I didnt even think about what I was bringing to the table, I was just focused on what I wanted.  So the lesson is, if someone makes you happy, work hard to make them happy, and the be happy together.
 Forget about expectations and duties, you're just cheating yourself in the end because you can have soo much more then what your limiting yourself to.

I'm a moth that enjoys your fire...if I'm lucky maybe I'll get touched by your flame.

In a perfect world I would be seen by the one person that I truly loved and invisible to everyone else.  I love attention but only from ONE person. The spotlight was not meant for me, I prefer sitting in a dark corner in my own little world left alone and in peace.  lol I know I seem akward, weird, anti-social, and standoffish but small talk isnt something that I am fond of.
Today someone asked me about this "passion craving" of mine.  A good friend of mine broke it down perfectly "There's a difference between TELLING me something and SHOWING me something".  I need passion because it SHOWS me that you care and how deep your emotions run for me,  I'm addicted to that, show me all day, forget about telling me.  I've had nice laid back types that have told me everything that I would want to hear, but if I don't feel it, it is pointless.  I need to feel everything. You can really tell if I care about you if I am touchy feely with you, if I feel like your passionate, you're definitly getting touched by me because I just love the energy I feel from it.

There are some people in my life that I have known forever, and I cringe at the thought of them touching me and its because they lack that energy, the passion that I need so a touch from them feels cold and lifeless.    I'm a moth to passion's fire and I dont mind it being the death of me.

In other news...this weekend, I learned that you can have a strong connection with someone and just leave it at that.  Chemistry used to be EVERYTHING to me, maybe because I'm such an oddball that nobody really meshed well with me, so the few that did, it was a huge thing.  Now I kind of realize that some connections are just meant to be enjoyed for whatever amount of time fate has alloted you, enjoy it, and then seek out the next connection and perhaps more will come from your next encounter..besides the fact that I will definitly miss that last "connection"...I kind of like learning how to enjoy the moment and take it for what it is, never really had to do it before.

I am still selfish and greedy though, I dont think that will ever change.

Time for bed